Citation

Elliott, Susan J. Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love after the Big Breakup. Balance, 2015.

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Introduction

Avoid the disastrous romance you’ve had in the past.

Lessons from the breakup

• Fully grieve your loss. Do not shortcut your grief by shutting down your feelings or jumping into another relationship to repress them.
• Feeling hurt, angry, anxious, upset, and rejected are all part of the grief process. It is normal for them to resurface during dating, and it does not mean you failed. Deal and learn from recycling.
• ::Affirm your worth as a person. Only accept good things in your life.::
• Cease all forms of contact with your ex (including passive contact like social media stalking).
• Look for patterns in your past relationships. Understand how you have been trying to finish unfinished business with early caregivers.
• ::Develop healthy boundaries and standards. Develop reasonable expectations as to how you are treated in a relationship. When is “good” not “good enough”?::
• Love is an action. What matters is what you do, not what you say.

Central to moving on: the only thing you can change is you.

Avoid the type of girl that your ex represent.

::To attract the right person:::

• ::Stay focused on you; change who you are.::
• ::Refuse to be a victim.::

::Healing old wounds + Embarking on a new way of life = Healthier and happier relationships::

Skills that are important when moving on from a breakup, embarking in dating, and starting relationships.

• Observation
• Preparation
• Cultivation

Live a healthy life

• Have a positive relationship with yourself.
• Build strong and lasting relationships with others.

::In all your relationships, you must know:::

• ::When it’s time to put more work into it.::
• ::When it’s fine as it is.::
• ::When it’s time to walk away.::

Focus on:

• Examining your failed relationships for patterns that reveal unfinished business with early caregivers.
• Keeping your self-esteem high.
• Honing your cultivation and observation skills, to see and act on any red flags.
• ::Preparing for what you want, not just wait around to see what you get.::
• Developing your compatibility and standards list of negotiable, non-negotiable, and possibly negotiable traits that you want in a new love and what to do if you don’t find it.
• Developing and enforcing personal boundaries and reasonable expectations.
• Defining and clarifying the parameters of healthy dating.
• Dealing with: readiness, rejection, recycling, rebounding, and retreating.
• Deciding if and when to be exclusive with another, and asking the right questions before engaging in sexual activity.
• Examining your early relationship and deciding whether to take it further.
• Deciding when and how to introduce your new love to your children.
• Recognizing healthy people and real love.

The person you meet on the first date won’t always be the one. Learn from your past relationships to get over heartache and find someone new who loves you.

::Keep yourself grounded and be clear about your life while dating and in a new relationship.::

• ::Do not abandon the commitments you have made to yourself.::
• ::Do not stop building the life you want to have.::

::Observation is a skill that is important in choosing a mate.::

Observation will help you:

• Tune in to people’s body language and subtle ways of communicating.
• Gives you the tool to work on yourself and handle relationship issues as they crop up.
• Gives you confidence while dating.

When feeling lonely and ready to jump into the dating pool, don’t compare your insides to everyone else’s outsides. You have no idea what actually goes on between many who seem happily coupled.

::Remember: A healthy relationship makes your life larger and an unhealthy one makes it smaller.::

::Discussions surrounding what you want out of life are a very important part of coupling.::

Take responsibility for your part in a bad relationship.

• Even if you feel you were treated unfairly by your former partner, it is important to look at your part in your former relationship and work on things you can change about yourself.

Factors that can influence your decision to latch on to the first person who seems suitable.

• You get tired of dating.
• You become convinced that this is the best you can do.
• You hear your biological clock tickling or your friends’ wedding bells.

::Do not settle or give in to pressure that sets you up for failure.::

You must want your next serious relationship to succeed but

• Accept that you’ll have a few temporary dalliances in the beginning.
• Be comfortable with your alone times on the way to the One.
• Then, start getting serious about who you choose to be with and why.

How to begin dating?

::Remember that this is new for you because you have changed since your last relationship.::

::Take it slowly.::

::Observe what you are doing.::

::If you become confused, it’s okay to take a few steps back or even pull back all the way to reflect on where you’re going and how you’re getting there.::

::If you can be happy without a special someone in your life, you’ve reached acceptance and integration, which is the other side of loss.::

::Once there, you are ready to look for like-minded people who look at life in a healthy way.::

Dating can trigger old unhealthy habits and other negative emotions.

Relationships will have bumps in the road.

::Bumps won’t rattle you if you’re prepared for them and deal with them in a healthy way.::

::It’s important to learn the difference between a good relationship with a few bumps, and a bad relationship that lurches from one giant bump to another.::

::Real love::

• ::Actual love shown under real life circumstances.::
• ::Action expressed between two people who love themselves enough to accept only good treatment from others.::
• ::Two happy, healthy, and whole souls meeting and facing life together::

::Wholeness, not magic, carries you through the magical period into the practical, logical, and sometimes painful parts of life.::

::Real partners meet challenges as a team and don’t allow outside forces to tear the fabric of their love.::

::Real partners rise up as one to meet difficulties while being supportive, giving, and understanding.::

::Real partners want what is best for their lives, individually and collectively.::

::The team may have different interests, but when hard times happen, it cannot be divided.::

::The “real” in “real love” is about real life and everyday foibles, trials, triumphs, and tribulations. You are real by yourself and real with each other, and you tackle real life in a real way.::

Chapter 1 - The Steps from the Big Breakup to Happy and Healthy Dating, Mating, and Relating

Rebuild your life while learning to value yourself as a single person.

Being ready doesn’t necessarily mean being fully recovered.

Just because you may feel ready to get back out there, doesn’t mean all the work is done.

• Be vigilant to balance your continued learning experience with meeting new people and situations.

Keep working as an individual, and perhaps as a couple, once you find a good mate.

::If you came out of a relationship with someone who had deep issues and complex problems, your recovery may take longer.::

::You’ll get there if you understand that just because the individual is gone does not mean the problem is gone.::

Examine your reasons for getting in and staying in your previous dysfunctional relationship.

After a bad relationship, what you need may be:

• time to work on yourself
• time to figure out what qualities you want in a suitable partner
• date a few people who are “not the one” (casually) before being ready for something permanent
• date, pull back, then get back out

::Going back to the drawing board does not mean failure. It means continued learning for the best possible outcome.::

::Be dedicated to finding the most compatible mate by:::

• ::not taking a breakup so personally::
• ::not putting so much stock into the first few dates::
• ::not just avoiding another false start::

::Reframe your approach to dating as a chance to learn something rather than becoming hopeful and excited to find the love of your life.::

• Be less hesitant
• Be less intense
• Don’t fault yourself when things don’t work out
• Put your commitment to yourself first then do your best to have a good time no matter how likely or unlikely a partnership would be.
• ::Do the choosing instead of waiting to be picked.::

“Tuck in” some signs about your current date.

Take the time to change or enhance your life.

Recognize that your post-breakup time is a journey of self-discovery that can take awhile, even years.

• You have to continue your self-discovery work even after you get into a new relationship.

::Don’t throw away the new you for a new relationship. The trade-off is not worth it.::

Focus on the real compatibility of a new love interest.

• Question One: Does this person like me? You want someone who sees your value and understands that you are a special person. If you are not getting that feedback early on, it’s time to move on.
• Questions Two: Is this someone I can make a life with? This can’t be answered early or easily, but keep it in mind as you explore a new relationship.

::The more you care for yourself and do the things you need to do, emotionally healthy people will come into your life.::

::You should never settle for less because there are good people out there.::

• Naturally easygoing and fun
• Triumphed over adversity
• Worked through their issues
• Understand that creating lasting, real love takes two special, determined people

::The good people will treat you with love, kindness, understanding, honesty, and a dedication to making a good thing better.::

::You get what you put up with.::

::From now on, you will accept only the best.::

Reasons why people are in failed relationships

• they haven’t looked at their problems closely enough to resolve them
• they haven’t taken the time to make a compatibility and standards list
• they haven’t taken the time to observe those they choose

Each relationship has a different ending and, therefore, a beginning.

There’s almost no way to tell, for certain, that you’re ready.

You will feel ready after you’ve developed a relaxing, inner knowing voice.

You are ready when you realize that

• you can form a judgment about anyone you meet
• you commit to leaving when red flags become too ominous or too numerous
• you have learned to be okay no matter what

Refuse to present yourself as a victim lacking boundaries and standards.

Just be yourself and other healthy people will appear.

Build your life.

Follow your dreams.

Forget about the opinion of others.

Don’t place unfair expectations on yourself.

Have fun dating.

Learn to be choosy.

Lear to be secure about your forever mate when you find her.

Find someone who

• will love you for who you are and
• value you as a persona and a partner

Chapter 2 - Are You Ready? Five Questions to Ask Before You Take the Plunge

Chapter 3

Chapter 4 - The Standards and Compatibility List

Standards and compatibility list

• A code of behavior you expect from yourself and others
• Details how you want to be treated
• Involves a commitments to release anyone who does not adhere to or respect your code
• Define what you want and what you need and you will define where you want you go and who is going with you
• Use your list to remind you what you need to be and what to look for in others

Why getting your standards set early on is wise

• It will save you a lot of aggravation.

Developing your list

• Negotiable and nonnegotiable
• Acceptable and unacceptable
• “May be negotiable” - reserved for items that may be negotiable if someone is amazing in other areas

Moving items from one column to another

• Do it because someone is so wonderful
• Don’t do it because you think you can change her

How to deal with “may be negotiable”

• Use the “accept it, change it, or leave” concept

How to write your lists

• Write or make a visual, collage-type representation
• May contain broad images and phrases but be sure to make the images and words have as much meaning as possible

The “Me” side of the list

• Write it from the perspective of “past mistakes” you have made and don’t want to repeate
• It must include: (1) your own behavior + (2) a future partner’s behavior
• Note what things you not only accepted but looked for in the past
• Include warning signs and red flags you missed in prior relationships
• Include your own unacceptable behaviors
• Remember: You want to find the right person, but first you must be the right person.
• Examine things that you have and have not accepted.
• Examine how reasonable or unreasonable you have been.
• Think about where kids fit into your life before you date

Own problems that might need attention

• Anger
• Fear
• Past hurts
• Being too generous with your time, money, and understanding

The “You” side of the list

• Headings: absolutely unacceptable, must have, negotiable, maybe negotiable
• Add or subtract from this list
• Adhere to the list no matter what

How to date again

• Approach it as a learning experience
• Don’t put too much stock into everyone who comes along
• Remember, you are the most important person in this fragile juncture
• Don’t waste time in changing someone
• Know what you want, know what you need, and then spend time with people who can give you what you want and need.
• Learn to take a wait-and-see because a person’s true qualities do not become apparent until later
• Reject everyone who (1) does not know how to treat another person and (2) does not meet the items in your list
• Observe the person and take in as much information as you can
• If something troubling came up later in the dating process, ask yourself: “Would I have gone out on a second date if this had been revealed on the first date?"
• When dating and having sex, consider the chance of unplanned pregnancy so you won’t be tethered to a questionable person for at least 18 years.

Red flags

• Discourteous behavior on strangers
• Oversharing about life or important matters appropriate only in a long-term relationship situation
• Sketchiness about subjects that are normally shared (job, education, family, interests)
• Communication problems

How to use the list when dating

• Observe as much as you can
• See if what you observe comports withy our list
• If it doesn’t, commit that you will leave the situation and not try to change it
• Do not change your list to fit the current love interest

Negotiable and nonnegotiable

Develop list using past relationships.

• Based on your past, what are the questions you need to ask before partnering with someone? Include these in your list.

Add to the list when you’ve started dating again.

Write absolutely unacceptable behaviors.

Write must have behaviors.

Go back to the list and tag each behavior as either negotiable or nonnegotiable.

Make a decision to walk away when you hear things that indicate a deep disconnect between the person you are dating and the partner you need.

Accept it, Change it, or Leave

3 possible actions in any situation

1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Leave

Changing it

If you encounter something that is difficult to accept about another person, talk it out.

If change is not possible, accept or leave.

If you have made your list and committed to it, you can figure out when you need to leave.

No, Just No

Don’t change your standards so someone can fit into your life.

If you are not okay with something, you should not be talked into it or made to explain it.

Even if there is chemistry, if your must haves or your nonnegotiable unnacceptables are not honored, you know you can end it early and move along.

How Have You Conducted Your Life Until Now?

Lesser Issues

Before you get back out there, you want to address as many minor issues as you can.

Even in these lesser issues boundaries and standards come to play.

New ones will come up. Add them to the list and categorize them (unacceptable, negotiable, nonnegotiable)

Reasonable and Unreasonable

To make things easier in the selection process, answer the question: “Is this good enough?”

If no, either:

1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Leave

Moving Forward

What to do when feeling pessimistic about the future

• Remember the times where things worked out for you when you were sure they weren’t going to.
• Stay positive.
• Believe in yourself.
• Believe that life is going to get better.

List + Boundaries = Opportunities for good things

Keys to a fulfilling relationship

• Knowing what you want in a partner
• Loving yourself first
• Knowing that you deserve what you want
• Have enough self-respect to walk away when your boundaries and standards are being compromised.

Chapter 5 - Bumps in the Dating Road

Map

Author: Vince Imbat

Chapter 6 - Becoming Sexual and Exclusive

Map

Author: Vince Imbat

Becoming sexual and becoming exclusive are not always the same thing.

It depends on

• Where you are in the process
• What you want from life
• What sex means to you

::Goal: To have your partner love and cherish your authentic self.::

::Before someone enters the picture, you need to know: who you are in the sexual sense.::

• Gauge your sexual self’s relationship to your idea of intimacy.
• Once you know who you are in a sexual sense, you will know if sex and exclusivity is a must or a maybe for you.
• ::When you know and accept who you are and what you are, you can convey that to another.::

Become a person of dignity who has choices.

Then discuss “rules and regulations”.

::Question choices you’ve made and behaviors you’ve engaged in simply to be liked or accepted.::

Goals of the sexual inventory.

• What you are comfortable with
• What you can or cannot convey to a partner
• Defining what issues you may need to address based on past relationships
• What questions you need to ask and answer to define who you are sexually at this point in time
• What is negotiable and nonnegotiable

Sexual Inventory

Positive

Negative

Talking dirty with me over chat.

Talking dirty with me before engaging in the sex.

Understanding me when I was not getting hard.

Footjobs

Sex on video chat

Doing sex videos

Having sex with me even if her vagina/anus isn’t as clean as I would like it to be.

Talking about me doing same thing over and over with her with her friends.

Roleplaying? duh

Identify if you are “other oriented” sexually, meaning you are responding to what you think someone else wants rather than knowing what you want.

Chapter 7 - The Ex and the Children

Map

Author: Vince Imbat

Chapter 8 - The Early Relationship: Identifying Issues and Working Them Out

Map

Author: Vince Imbat

::The early relationship is a stand-alone entity.::

• It is separate from the time you dated.
• It is separate from permanent commitment.

::The early relationship is a temporary state that may or may not last.::

::The early relationship is a time of getting to know each other in the safety of an exclusive commitment.::

::Explore an early relationship with someone as a learning experience.::

Do not fantasize that this relationship is your forever love.

Do not miss the signs that this relationship is not the one for you.

Do not jump too far ahead or plan for things that may or may not happen.

Go slow and be careful.

Use your observation skills very well in the early relationship.

• Take note of your “tuck it in your pocket” observations

Some observations on Lau

She doesn’t really ask questions about what I do or want to do.

Her interest about me and what I want to do isn’t as strong as what I felt with Jenny.

We struggle with some chemistry.

She isn’t very interested in core philosophical questions.

She doesn’t know her purpose.

She could get to fighting for her belief without really listening to the perspective of others.

She is quick to tell story, slow to listen.

She has a tendency to not listen attentively.

She allows distractions, she has not managed her notifications well.

::Within the first few weeks of a new monogamous and committed relationship, assess your ability to be yourself in the relationship (self, meaning the person that you are when you are not attached to someone).::

::It’s important to present your true self to someone who may be a long-term partner.::

Inventory your relationship

Step back and look as objectively as you can at your new partner at this juncture.

Use your observation skills and ask yourself:

• Are we both happy, healthy, whole individuals who are interested in a happy, healthy relationship?
• Does my new mate appear to have some unfinished business?
• Am I suddenly seeing a different person than the one I was dating?
• Is new information such as money problems, legal problems, or other problems suddenly being revealed?
• Does my new partner seem jealous, controlling, dramatic, hot-tempered, possessive, or ridiculous?
• Are red or pink flags suddenly appearing? Can we talk about them openly and honestly?
• Does my new partner seem interested in working out disagreements in a healthy way?
• Does my partner want to share responsibilities and tasks?

Not every issue can be resolved with just one chat.

Not every issue should lead to a breakup.

Relationships do not need to be difficult. If a relationship begins in a state of difficulty and proceeds that way, it’s time to decide whether you should be going to counseling together or bailing early.

Many times “good” does not equal “good enough”.

The click has to be across the board, not just sometimes, not just sexual activity or great conversations.

Your “me” side of the list should have detailed what you want out of life and the “you” side should mesh.

Recheck your standards and compatibilities list to confirm that you’re not rolling back your standards for someone with whom you’re newly involved.

Now that you are exclusive and committed, it’s time to talk about anything you feel uneasy about.

You need to see how you, as a couple, deal with conflict and disagreements.

In the early relationship, it is imperative that you know you will be treated with love and respect at all times.

Prompts