“Stoicism, Erotic Love, and Relationships” by Greg Sadler

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Citation

Sadler, Greg. “Stoicism, Erotic Love, and Relationships.” Modern Stoicism, 10 Feb. 2018, https://modernstoicism.com/stoicism-erotic-love-and-relationships-by-greg-sadler/.

Quotes

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Literature notes

Prompts

What is the Stoic approach to relationships, romantic and otherwise?  What does an ideal romantic relationship comprise or involve? How should a Stoic view sexual pleasure and desire, as well as other pleasures and desires infused by eros?  Is there a Stoic approach, or guidelines, for matters ranging from courtship, hooking up, flirtation, dating, committed relationships, etc.?

The ancient Greeks categorized the different kinds of love. This categorization is understandable (for example, philia or friendship is distinguisably from eros or erotic desire). However, these categories blur into each other in Stoic literature.

Arius Didymus’ Epitome of Stoic Ethics

For the erotic person is also spoken of in two senses.  In one sense [the person is called “erotic”] with regard to virtue as being a type of worthwhile person, in the other with regard to vice as a reproach, as in the case of the person mad from erotic love.  [Worthwhile] erotic love is [for friendship].

[T]hey also say that the person who has good sense will fall in love.  To love by itself is merely indifferent, since it sometimes occurs in the case of the bad person as well. ::But erotic love is not [simply] appetite, nor is it directed at some bad or base thing; rather, it is an inclination to forming an attachment arising from the impression or appearance of beauty.:: (5b9, 10c, 11s)

What Arius is saying here is that the Stoics differentiated good love and bad love. But this did not originate from them. Plato, for example, discusses this in his Symposium.

For the Stoics, good love is closely related to friendship. A good Stoic could start loving someone based on physical attractiveness, but he understands that character is what sustains a rational and affective relationship.

::But erotic love is not [simply] appetite, nor is it directed at some bad or base thing; rather, it is an inclination to forming an attachment arising from the impression or appearance of beauty.::

Diogenes Laertes espouses a pessimistic position. He categorizes erotic love as a mode of desire (epithumia). Desire along with fear, pleasure, and pain are the four main passions or emotions in Stoic classification of affect. For him, a good Stoic should not feel this emotion.

Cicero has a more nuanced position. He believes that a good Stoic can be a lover and feel erotic love but admonishes that this love should be free from negative emotions. By saying this, he differentiates eros from lustfulness (libido). For him, a love free from negative emotions is rare and that most existing love are simply expressions of libido. He thinks that the furor of love is one of the most violent disruptions of the mind (for his thoughts, see Tusculan Disputation 33 and 45).

Arius has a more positive evaluation of eros. For him, there are two kinds of eros. The problematic kind he calls “violent cases of erotic love” (erotes sphodroi, 10b). The good kind of eros is normal and something that a good Stoic can understand. A Stoic can have “erotic virtue”.

The wise person is erotically inclined [erotikon einai] and will fall in love with those who are worthy of erotic love [axieraston]. (11s)

For Musnonius Rufus, marriage is about creating an honest, intimate, and common life between two people with the view of having children (lecture 13):

[T]he primary end of marriage is community of life with a view to the procreation of children. The husband and wife, he used to say, should come together for the purpose of making a life in common and of procreating children, and furthermore of regarding all things in common between them, and nothing peculiar or private to one or the other, not even their own bodies.

Where, then, this love for each other is perfect and the two share it completely, each striving to outdo the other in devotion, the marriage is ideal and worthy of envy, for such a union is beautiful.

But where each looks only to his own interests and neglects the other, or, what is worse, when one is so minded and lives in the same house but fixes his attention elsewhere and is not willing to pull together with his yoke-mate nor to agree, then the union is doomed to disaster and though they live together, yet their common interests fare badly; eventually they separate entirely or they remain together and suffer what is worse than loneliness.

To creat such a union requires character and commitment.

With respect to character or soul one should expect that it be habituated to self-control and justice, and in a word, naturally disposed to virtue. These qualities should be present in both man and wife.  For without sympathy of mind and character between husband and wife, what marriage can be good, what partnership advantageous?  How could two human beings who are base have sympathy of spirit one with the other?  Or how could one that is good be in harmony with one that is bad?

In general, Stoics allow erotic desure and enjoyment in relationships. If the relationship solely relies on these, then the relationship is doomed. However, if there is companionship, character, and friendship within the relationship, it is desirable to integrate sexual desire. This is where “erotic virtue” could be developed fully.

In Stoicism, virtue is good and vice is bad. All others are indifferents. The body is an indifferent.

Stoic literature is generally wary about sexual desire. Sexual desire is not “virtue”, and it can disturb us and make us unfree if we allow it to control us.

Epictetus’ Enchiridion

In the case of everything that happens to you, remember to turn to yourself and see what faculty you have to deal with it.  If you see some attractive man or woman, you will find self-control as the faculty to employ. (10)

When it comes to matters of sexuality [aphrodisia], keep yourself pure as much as you can before marriage.  If you do indulge, then do so only in those pleasures that are lawful.  But don’t be offensive or critical with those who do use [those sexual pleasures].  Nor make frequent mention of the fact that you yourself don’t use them. (33)

::The governing idea is that sexuality is something to be properly managed by the Stoic.  It is not something necessarily to entirely dissociate oneself from, but one ought to maintain it within a rational perspective in relation to more important priorities.::

Check

Consider for example how easily some people get hurt feelings when matters don’t go the way they would like, or expect, or hope.

Relationships are similarly offered to us, and although our own choices and efforts can play a catalyzing role, they occur with the rhythm and on the timetable of their own development.  Patience coupled with receptive readiness – rather than actively trying to take or push for the desires one allows to run far out ahead of one – may be precisely what one needs.

It is not the things themselves that disturb people, but their judgements about these things. . . When, therefore, we are hindered or disturbed , or grieved, let us never blame anyone but our ourselves, that means, our own judgements (5)

Liberating oneself from those erroneous assumptions, inferences, and conclusions doesn’t just make one feel better – or at least less bad.  It also gets the person a bit closer to developing the virtue of prudence, a genuine good for one’s life.

Classical Stoics did view romantic or erotic love – at least in some cases, and as felt by some people – as something good and worthwhile.  One can, however, live a good life by Stoic standards whether one does find an attractive partner and form a lasting relationship, or not.  What really is key is the cultivation and living out the virtues, the development of one’s moral character and capacities, and that – in the Stoic view – is what renders a person truly desirable.

References

Sadler, G. (2018, February 10). Stoicism, Erotic Love, and Relationships. Modern Stoicism. https://modernstoicism.com/stoicism-erotic-love-and-relationships-by-greg-sadler/