Those Stairs at Bakakeng

And
because
you came
from the spiral
of the night no
sleep for the 32nd
day in the morning
you decided to walk.
This was before breakfast
the youngest child came with
you and pranced and pranced
around you as you walked over
wet concrete under wet pine pine
cones guiding your feet like pebbles
in the deep deep forest of your soul.
And because no one knows about the
shadows but yourself you pretended that
everything was okay you held his hand and
danced with him your feet crushed dried leaves
and their sound led you to the stairs. And you stood
there enthralled by every step that led to nowhere your
heart wrapped in silence you turned behind you and the
child was gone. This is it you know this is it these stairs this
last walk was the only thing that separated you from what goes
beyond. You took the first step and the second you believe you still
believe that perhaps at the top you will find yourself but you reached
the top and you looked below at all the paths you've taken and everything
you've ever done and all you got was the thing you most feared of that none
of these is going to save you. That none of these is going to save you. And so
you sat down because that is the only thing you can do now you sat down you
sat down you let the stairs devour you and you reached down your pocket for your
phone. It was early in the morning before breakfast and you called your dad you heard it rang on the other side he said hello and at that moment the words jumped of your mouth they jumped they jumped jump! jump! jump! Pa, agko la kaya and you let out the most silent cry ever heard.